Pork and Beans

Metallica's one of my all-time favorite bands. In one of their songs, "Escape," it talks of freedom from the status quo and the power of individuality. Life's for my own to live my own way. I've said that for years, but now it's time to implement it into my life.

I've struggled with self-confidence issues my whole life, just like anyone. However, many events in my life have magnified my issues. I've been beaten down, discouraged, and felt as small as a soul could feel. I've constantly waged battles in my head. You're no good. It would be better if you died. You're an awful person. You don't deserve anything. You're mediocre.

As a coping mechanism, I've protected myself by becoming insular. When I went to college, I didn't set out to meet friends. I didn't need them. Why would I? They would only abandon me. I was there for a degree, not for friendships. Plus, they wouldn't really want me as a friend. I'm too much of a mess. I'm not as good as they are. As a consequence, I've been unhappy and lonely. I've made myself to be the victim.

I can't victimize myself any longer. When I do, the Devil wins. That's what he ultimately wants, a broken spirit. I've caged myself in for so long, it's time for me to fly. And I know I can go places. I can do anything I want to do. Life's for my own to live my own way. I just have to push through the guilt, the pain, the shame, and be free. I've persevered through so much, I can push myself further. I can do anything I set my mind to do. I'm just as good as anyone else in this world, and I deserve the happiness that's waiting for me.

Tomorrow, I'm going to a Murder Mystery party. I usually shun any social event out of fear and shyness. But not this time. I will go there and shine and be the Megan I know is buried underneath the scar tissue: fun-loving, silly, social, talkative, warm...If I let the Devil win, I will not have a life. I will be ensnared in sorrow for the rest of my life. I have so much to give. The world is my oyster, and I should take advantage of every opportunity. I only get one chance at life; it's time I started living that way. I am a child of God, a woman of worth, a force to be reckoned with. I can do it.

So, I'll start doing things MY way, and not feeling guilty whatsoever. I'm going to do more that makes me happy, whether watching Netflix or rock climbing. I'm going to find my strengths and cultivate them. I will expand my horizons and stop letting fear preventing me from living.

This is by no means a "poor me" post. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I want people to feel empowered. I've had it tough, and I know everyone has issues they have to deal with. With the grace of God, anyone can get through anything. In Philippians 4:13, it states, "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me." And that's a promise. He's helped me overcome many obstacles, and I know if I have Him in sight, I will find happiness. My experiences have given me inner-strength and perseverance. I can use those qualities to find happiness.

I began this post with a song, and I will end it with a song:

I'ma do the things that I wanna do,
I ain't got a thing to prove to you.
I eat my candy with the pork and beans.
Excuse my manners if I make a scene

I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you'll like.
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside.
One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink.
I don't give a hoot about what you think.

XOXO,

Megan