Dogs & Dreams

I graduate on December 12th at 9 a.m. That's exactly 67 days, 18 hours, and 58 minutes away (I'm so excited that I have a countdown on my phone). I've worked my butt off for three years to be a teacher, and I'm so ready to walk across that stage and grab my diploma. I'm more than excited to be a teacher and to have my own classroom. I have a great love for history, and I can't wait to share that with my students.

But even so, being a teacher isn't my dream. It isn't my life's biggest goal. 

 It's a way to put food on the table and to buy a few dresses at Target. And digital cable. To me, being a teacher isn't fulfilling enough for me. I have far greater desires in my heart that I've had longer than I've wanted to be a teacher. Some of these I've had all of my life. But they haven't come true...yet.

I was basically forced into college against my own will. Okay, that's not true, but my parents highly encouraged me to pursue that direction. I had two options- go to college, or go into the Air Force, and because basic training would probably make me cry, I chose the college route. It was the easiest and, what I thought would be, the less painful route.  I didn't dream of college. Therefore, because it wasn't what I had really wanted, it's been a very rough three years for me. Stabbing my eye with a dull fork would have been less painful for me than this "college experience" that I paid good money for. But now that I am climbing out of Dante's Seventh Level of Hell, I can now pursue what I really want out of life, which to me, is so much more worthy than teaching kids about the merits of the Reagan Administration (which is also highly important).

When I was a little girl, I wanted a hundred kids. I didn't know that it was physically impossible (and so illogical), but I did know one thing- I wanted to be a mom. Sometimes, when I'm around bratty kids in line at Wal-Mart, I can feel my uterus constrict up to my lungs. Perhaps children aren't for me, I think to myself as I scan yet another pint of Ben & Jerry's that I will cry into later that night. But today at church, I couldn't pay attention to the sermon because a lady and her very adorable little baby were sitting beside me, and I couldn't help but think that THAT is what I wanted out of my life. I thought about how much I wanted my little Sabra in my arms (that's what I would name my baby if I were to have one right now). One of my favorite pieces from the Bible is in Ecclesiastes: "To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven." (It's also a pretty good song.) It's just not time yet. For this, I am grateful for, because I don't think I could handle midnight feedings right now, but it's comforting to know that in the future, when I am ready, it will happen.

I recently told my mom, "If I have to hear about one more wedding or engagement, I will jump out of a window." I was exaggerating, but my underlying message was, "IT'S MY TURN, NOT YOURS! OH NO, I WILL BE SINGLE FOREVER. I BETTER START BUYING CATS. BUT WAIT- I'M NOT EVEN A CAT PERSON. I AM DOOMED." I recently had to tell someone congratulations on their engagement when I really wanted to say, "What makes you so deserving of this? Why not me?" Many of my good friends are married or have a significant other, and meanwhile, I sit at home and tap my fingers while binge-watching period dramas on Netflix. Then, to comfort myself, I go and read blogs about other people's lives in singledom, but much to my horror, some of them are a decade older than I am. "I'm over thirty and still single but that's okay!" No, no, no. God, if you love me, you won't let that happen to me. I had someone ask me if I was single because my last name was Singleton. I didn't know whether to cry or to punch them in the face. This is probably the area that has given me the most grief in my life. It's hard seeing other people live your dream and you're stuck. The Bible says to not awaken love until it's time. But if I try just a little harder, if I'm just a little louder, maybe it will happen?

I grew up in Texas, and I miss it every day. I was born in New York, but I lived in Texas from the ages of five to sixteen. I feel as though the land is in my bones. I wasn't made for Tennessee. As a matter of fact, I hate it. While I love being close to my family, Tennessee a quagmire of bleakness for me. Being here feels so suffocating. I've wanted to move for a long time, but I never had the courage to, until recently. Last night, I went on a hayride out on my family's land out in the country. I loved smelling the burnt tobacco and seeing the silhouettes of rolling hills in the moonlight. But, could I leave everything behind here? Yes. Yes, I could. We've had this land since the mid-1800s. This land should be coursing through my veins, but it's not, and it never will. Staying here is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. My dream is to go back out west, whether to Texas or Arizona or the middle of nowhere, because that's where my heart is. It's been hard staying here and watching all of my friends leave to chase their own dreams and to go places far greater than this area has to offer. One of my favorite movies, It's a Wonderful Life, has the best quote that expresses how I feel: "I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world."

Also like George Bailey, I've dreamt of traveling the world. Growing up in the Air Force gives you wanderlust. I didn't have the privilege of living overseas, so I would love to see how other people live and immerse myself in their culture. I've always wanted to go to Vietnam and Quebec and connect with distant family. Unfortunately, I haven't had the financial means to do so. My best friend had the best time studying abroad in England right before the London Olympics. How exciting that must have been! I'm so glad she got to experience that for herself, but it wasn't feasible for me. I had too many responsibilities here and not enough money. I have a passport, but it is bereft of stamps. I feel so landlocked here. As much as I love America, I would love to see what the world has to offer. It's my oyster, after all.

So, what is my dream? I would love, love, love to travel the world. I want someone who is passionately in love with me and will want to build a life together...and will take out the trash and kill spiders and let me be in charge of the radio during long trips. I want two sweet little babies to love. I want an old Victorian house out west somewhere. I want to fill up my passport with wonderful adventures. I can get caught up with the fact that it's not happening NOW, but the thing that comforts me most is that every day that passes by is another day closer to fulfilling the deepest desires of my heart. It will happen soon. I think I now know what it means when it says in the Bible to pick up your cross daily and to follow God. It takes a monumental effort every day, and there are some times when the weight of your cross is too much to carry. You must have the mental effort to keep the faith every single day, because there are times when I feel like it's too much and I want to reject everything I believe in. Christianity is not easy, nor should it be. It's far too rewarding to be simple. I don't know why God is making me wait. I think God is trying to make me patient. But whatever it is, I can feel something good is going to happen soon in my life. Maybe it's a false alarm or a pipe dream, but the thought makes my cross a little easier to bear.

When we were kids, my sister and I really wanted a dog. Everyone had a dog except for us. For the longest time, my dad refused for a myriad of reasons. They were too much work, too messy, too complicated. We had to make do with lizards and turtles, which we enjoyed, but it was a substitute for what was really in our hearts. I don't know why my dad changed his mind, but one day when I was fourteen, Dad came home with a little black dog named Chompers that stole our hearts. Our great wish was fulfilled, and little Chompers was so worth the wait. So is everything else that I really want. And just like my little pumpkin muffin, it will come in its own time.